The seed of faith which had been planted after my mother’s recovery had begun to sprout. It had lain dormant, indeed a little suppressed, during my European jaunt. To some extent, I had used the trip as a convenient distraction, steering away from religious or spiritual thoughts or conversations. But it had not worked. Instead it had only heightened the absurdity of this empty way of life and now it was beginning to seriously depress me. I now had to admit to myself that there was more to existence than this and I was simply wasting my time. This was one of the reasons I had hurried back to London. That small glimpse of peace I had experienced in the church in Farm Street pointed the way forward. I started going to Mass and confession on a regular basis and since I was living just off the High Street Kensington, I found myself gravitating towards the Brompton Oratory which became my solid base.
Some time in these early months my friend, Chris Long, turned up and we renewed our friendship. He stayed with me for a week or two and then moved on. I enjoyed his company, it was easy and non demanding and I began occasionally mixing with his current crowd. Johnny Layton who is famous for his hit song, “Johnny Remember Me” came along with Chris to my 25th birthday. He and Mike Sarne were old school friends of Chris. This time, however, I stayed true to my intention to go deeper, not just to ‘go with the flow’. I was finding it difficult but I knew the alternative was never really living.
I enjoyed the company of the new circle of friends I was now mixing with. Most of these I met through Sally Alexander who later married John Thaw. Nearly all of them were in the arts and media; Ian McShane, John Hurt, Nicol Williamson and others, all of whom were just out of acting school and starting out on their careers. I also stayed in touch with Corin and Deirdre who I visited from time to time. They all accepted that I was the ‘religious’ one, since I now talked freely about my ideas. At one time, Corin, who was preparing for a part in a new film, asked me to show him how monks sat, how they moved.
We often all met together in Sally’s house and on one of these occasions I found myself sitting next to someone who became very important to me. Jackie and I hit it off immediately and soon we were together most of the time. For the next eight months to a year, we were always together and I felt very comfortable with her. She seemed to belong in my life, as though a part of my family. In fact she reminded me of my father in the way she coped with every-day life. Even though half of Knightsbridge would stop to stare at her, she never took much notice of it. I met her parents and, and although my mother never met Jackie, she sent her an ‘Our Lady of Sorrows’ medallion which Jackie wore around her neck.
However, all this time the inner search still continued and even intensified. I had spent months reading the saints, the philosophers especially Plato’s republic, and I knew there was something specific I should be doing with my life. Although I had a deep feeling of what it may be I wanted to have some degree of certainty.
One day I was sitting on the bed, reading, when I looked up and saw an image on my ceiling. I could see the impression of a man kneeling on one of those wooden kneelers found in a church. I was intrigued, this was nothing like the images one might see on a ceiling which changes as one picks out different cracks and discolouration in the stones. This was different. It stayed there like a ray of sunshine.
I immediately tested it by pulling the curtains, putting on and off the lights. Still it stayed. I finally accepted that it was there and was not a figment of my imagination, nor a ray of sunshine.
I looked at it and thought, “So what”.
A voice deep within me said, “Pray, always pray”.
Without any doubt, I knew at that moment, and still do today, what I was being called to do. It immediately filled an empty void within me and will always continue to do so. I cannot tell you, how grateful to God I was for those words.
I was more than grateful to God for the interest I felt He was showing me, providing me with one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. I appreciated this but it was her personality and shyness which I found more attractive. Meeting all these amazing people, at Sally’s house was really like a treasure being handed out to me and this paradoxical desire for the truth mixed with a great feeling of love for these people, sent my mind into a state of numb confusion. Also, at the time, I was working for the World Council of Churches and living on a pittance.
When Jackie came up to London, I would send her to stay with my friends who lived near Hyde Park. The struggle was immense to keep on the right track.
This pull towards a more committed Christian life now began to pull me apart. My relationship with Jackie was being affected since I knew in my spirit, that it was not meant to continue. I knew it was not what God wanted for either of us. As this was going on Jackie was not aware of what was brewing. When I finally told her, she said that she understood. I am not sure that she did. This was one of the most painful and difficult events in my life. More painful was the fact that I still loved her but the final decision was made after I had an explicit dream which confirmed that I was meant to move away. The Lord, once again, was involving Himself in my life but I was totally heartbroken.
To anyone who has felt the need to break off a relationship with someone they are still in love with, there is no need to spell out how this affected me. To someone who hasn’t been through that, words just do not do it justice!
As I sat alone in my room, I knew I could not stay. Almost immediately, I used whatever money I had managed to save and left, taking a flight back to Malta to escape the painful situation.