So, what was I to do? Was God telling me I should not marry? Was He telling me I should be a monk? Quite honestly, that seemed a bit too far to jump!
I decided what I needed was some peace and quiet to think things over and to meditate. Lalage told me about an Abbey on the Isle of White that accepted visitors such as me. With Lalage’s help, I packed my bags and set off immediately.
The place was beautiful and I joined in the austere way of life for a few weeks, waking up at four or five in the morning and joining in prayer. No matter, it did not make much difference to my state of mind, or for that matter, my spirit.
One of the monks there was called Fr. Paul Ziegler. Fr Ziegler was a wise and saintly soul. He was given all the menial jobs and did them joyfully even though he was much respected by all the monks, and was known, both in and outside the monastery, for his brilliance and holiness.
It was he who was asked to counsel me and this saintly monk did so to the best of his ability. One day he came into my room and we chatted and I expressed all my thoughts and fears, laying them out before him in as full a way as possible. After being silent for weeks, I could see them all clearly.
To this day, I still remember his response. His face was radiant and he looked at me and smiled. “David” he said at last, “you make mountains out of molehills!”
Perhaps grace was working overtime in those moments but these words actually proved helpful and, also by the grace of God, they stuck in my mind, always to be remembered in tough times.
I returned to London a little calmed and tried to settle back down. I couldn’t.
I thought I would give the monk idea another chance. Perhaps I was meant to go to a different monastery. I packed my bags again and went off to Aylesford Priory where they were building a new block of toilets for the pilgrims who came to the shrine. I helped out with the building work and kept my head down. After a few days a young man was asked to come and talk to me. He was very young but he spoke with such deep faith that it made me wonder if he was in fact as young as he looked. What came out of his mouth sounded like the words of a wise old man. I was thinking, “what a lot of faith he has,” when the words came into my mind, “If you had as much faith as a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mountain get up and throw yourself into the sea, and it would obey.” As I looked up it seemed as though the hill which I saw in the distance began to move towards me. It gave me such a fright that I stopped thinking and listened further to this young man’s wisdom.
I never explained my predicament to him but something happened as I listened to him. I went back to my room in a more reflective mood and soaked it all in.
The following morning, one of the older monks came into my room. He sat down on the bed and we talked together. He sounded very wise and practical so I told him my story. He listened quietly to what I had to say and then he said “Love has no chains David”.
I was not sure at the time what he meant by that but, it was as though the world had stopped and I realised that I was not where I should be. That same day, I packed my bags and left, I must say, with some relief.